Some believe that shaming is character-building when, in fact, it is the true definition of character assassination.
– Brian D. Mahan, I Cried All the Way to Happy Hour
Daniel Shankin asked me to leave his year-long Tam Integration Psychedelic Integration Coaching Training Program on February 29th, 2024 – about four and a half months into the program. The reasons he gave were 1) that he, Robin Alexandra and Erica Siegal were concerned that my “use of other substances” had impaired my judgment and 2) (by insinuation) that I was insufficiently educated (compared to him, at least) about how to conduct myself around women.
From what I have shared in prior posts, I imagine it’s not hard to understand this second reason. It is true that I said the words “fuck you” three times to a female sexual assault survivor while sitting very close to her, holding her hand, and looking directly into her eyes. Given only these facts, it’s no great leap to conclude that I could use a few good men’s groups (coincidentally, I have a men’s retreat coming up this weekend) to help me reform my brutish ways. Understanding the other substances thing, however, begs more information than I have shared so far.
Daniel did not specify which other substances had, in his view, compromised my judgment. Nor did he say how. Therefore, I can only make guesses from among the substances I am aware of taking within the relevant time period. For the sake of the broadest understanding, let us take that period as the entire time when I was in communication with Daniel Shankin – June 2023 through February 2024. I take this broad view to allow for the possibilities that Daniel was concerned 1) that my judgment was compromised in a general way from too much and/or too frequent substance use, or 2) that my judgment was acutely impaired around the time of the poem incident, or 3) both. Writing about this now, I’m noticing part of me wondering why Daniel (as a psychedelic integration expert presumably there to educate me) chose to be so vague on this point. Maybe I’ll return to that later.
Anyway, here now is a list of the substances – from roughly highest to lowest frequency of use – that I worked with during the eight months I was in touch with Daniel:
- Hapé
- Cannabis
- Ketamine
- Kambo
- Psilocybin mushrooms
- MDMA
- 4-ACO-DMT
- Bufo (5-MEO-DMT by way of the Sonoran Desert toad)
- Changa
I’m noticing that it’s confusing to find myself defending my substance use in the context of a psychedelic integration training. Everything on that list is part of that world, and the vast majority was utilized in a therapeutic or ceremonial container for the purpose of integrating and transforming the energies and patterns rooted in my history of complex developmental trauma. It’s also hard for me to understand how Daniel, Robin, and Erica came to the conclusion that substances had anything to do with my decision to share that poem. And even if substances did have something to do with it, how would that make my sharing bad or wrong?
Furthermore, none of this was a secret or surprise. I disclosed these things (the ones I had experienced up to that point – bufo, cannabis, ketamine, and mushrooms) on Daniel’s intake form. I shared about them on multiple occasions in Tam’s integration circles, in the cohort signal chat, and with my cohort practice partners. To the best of my recollection, no one expressed any concern prior to the incident.
I wasn’t concerned either, nor was my wife, my nine year old daughter, my therapists, nor my friends and family. On the contrary, I felt like something of a poster boy for psychedelic integration success. I’d let go of a lot of pain, taken in a lot of love and support, and experienced little to no destabilization. That said, during the time period in question, I was still very much in my process. And in my process, two of the most helpful tools, substance-wise, have been cannabis and hapé. I bring them up now because I used them during the weekend of the retreat-poem-incident, and therefore guess that Daniel’s concern about any acute impairment most likely relates to them.
Interestingly, the first time I ever interacted with Daniel Shankin in person was during my afternoon hapé sit. I typically use (“sit with,” as they say) hapé twice a day – once in the morning, and again in the late afternoon or evening. Now and then I’ll add a third session, but it’s infrequent. Anyway, when I arrived at the retreat center (the Berkeley Alembic) on the afternoon of Friday, February 9th, the first thing I did was go to the tea room to sit with hapé. I’d arrived early and I wanted to settle and ground after the five or six hours of driving from LA.
I was beginning my sit when I heard a knock on the glass door. The door leading into the tea room was one of two entrances. I had entered through the other door, maybe five yards to the west and clearly the main entrance, which had been unlocked. So I initially ignored the knocking, thinking that the knocker would perhaps see my meditative posture (cross legged on a cushion, head bowed, hands resting on my knees palm up) and seek out the other door. But the knocking persisted. I looked up, and there was Daniel.
The primary “medicinal” component of hapé is nicotine, and when it first hits walking isn’t really an option. So I crawled over to the door and opened it. I told Daniel I was sitting with hapé. He apologized for interrupting, and I crawled back to the cushion to resume my sit.
Well, that’s all I have time for today. I know I promised to tell you about my psilocybin journey following my ousting. I’ll try to get to that as well as the cannabis part of this story next time. Til then, thank you, and be well.