James Earl Jones died yesterday. I love this clip of his performance in Fences.
“Don’t you try and go through life worried if somebody likes you or not. You best make sure that they are doing right by you.” 🫰🏻🫰🏻🫰🏻
As promised, barring further interesting developments, this will be my last post on my Tam Integration journey. I’ll begin with a little meander through my memories of the program leading up to the retreat incident before looping back to an account of our negotiations with Daniel (Sitaram Das) Shankin’s attorney Allison Hoots, which led to my decision to begin this blog.
First there was the Signal group chat. To me it felt lively, fun and freewheeling but on September 26th, before class had officially begun, Daniel messaged the group:
I’m thinking about creating a second Signal thread for more sincere engagement. I think it’s an idea whose time has come.
So one one hand, I want all of you to be welcome here, on another, I think it would be nice to have a signal group where people who are less into sarcasm can engage in a way that feels good to their nervous system.
It’s just that there are 20 people in the class, and there’s this group that has formed that is enjoying each other that’s great but this group also seems to like to play loud and rough.
And maybe not everybody likes to play as loud and rough and as a result they may be don’t feel like they have a lot of space in this chat.
This was the first murmur of some kind of rupture, a hint of mysterious rumblings behind the scenes. I still have no idea what was going on. It seems like unknown member(s) had reached out to Daniel privately. Since Jordan Peterson seems to have something to do with this (as I recounted in another post), I’ll circle back to him now. I’d mentioned Peterson back on September 5th in response to this podcast someone posted (which was mostly about Aubrey Marcus) wherein, if I recall, the host referred to Peterson as “the prophet of toxic masculinity.” Here is the exchange.
Me: …I am a big fan of Jordan Peterson.
Person 1: Oof. I can’t with Jordan Peterson. Not as the mom of a transgender kiddo.
Me: I understand.
Person 1: Two transgender kids committed suicide on the first day of school here in Austin. And I am furious with anyone getting in the business of parents and doctors working together to help these kids. It’s dangerous out there for gay and transgender people right now. And Peterson is not helping at all.
Person 2 (the podcast poster): That must feel really scary for you and your kid, [Person 1]. @Peter Larney I can’t tell if you are slightly defending them or laughing along?
Person 1: It is a very scary time right now. I worry constantly. My kid is an adult now, but that does not stop the hate against her. But she has never been happier, so that helps a lot. I get into mama bear mode often these days. I still adore you @Peter Larney and I think we can learn a lot from each other! I’m not asking you to accept anything you don’t believe, of course, but just know that I have struggled. I have done so much research, talked to numerous doctors and psychologists. The bottom line is that I believe we made extremely informed decisions regarding our child’s health and well being. And the proof is in the pudding. I only want people to live to their full potential and be comfortable in their own skin. No matter who they are or what they believe.
Me: My half sister took her exit into her own hands almost two years ago. I am learning a lot. It is very sad when issues are not addressed at the proper level, it can be very difficult to discern what that level is, and an aspect of our being craves certainty, which only compounds the suffering. May your family thrive and continue to deepen your love for one another.
Person 1: I am so sorry to hear that, Peter. 💔 I think what bothers me is when people make a living questioning/ridiculing other people’s life choices. It feels gross.
Me: @Person 2 I guess the only thing I’d defend here is their right to speak. In my humble opinion, Peterson does not really belong in the same category as Marcus, but I’m definitely biased. I learned of him before he became the cultural figure he is today, his work made a big difference in my life at the time, and there’s much that I appreciate about him now. I have no beef with anyone that hates him.
Person 1: I’m really glad we’re talking about it.
Me: Me too 🙏🏻 And to give some credit to Aubrey, I’m pretty sure my bufo facilitator and her assistant are/were members of Fit for Service. That ceremony was an incredibly important moment in my life and was handled with the utmost integrity and care.
Person 2: I would give credit to your facilitators, not to Aubrey. People got good stuff outta NXIVM, but that didn’t make Raniere ok. 😉 The fact Aubrey not only platforms but promotes a suspect repeat offending pedophile is enough for me.
Me: Fair enough. I didn’t get there yet. Still ignorant. And I certainly didn’t mean to deny credit to my facilitators. Just trying to be fair in my ignorance. Will finish the podcast. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate savage critique.
Person 2: It’s hard—I think when you are doing all of this healing-self-improvement stuff, you really come to a deeper understanding of the good and bad in everything. And it’s really noble to give people the benefit of the doubt—-we all deserve that. Even Aubrey (can’t believe I said that haha).
On September 7th I picked up the thread again.
Me: @Person 2 [podcast link] I’m sorry. Please forgive me. “Prophet of Toxic Masculinity” my ass. Thank you. I love you.
That was it. As far as I know, that was the last time I mentioned Peterson to anyone in the group. Daniel said it freaked people out. Hm! I truly have no idea what loud, rough sarcasm Daniel was referring to, but I can say with a high degree of confidence that neither Person 1 nor Person 2 was offended by this exchange, and that those who were “freaking out” were doing so out of public view.
The week before this sarcasm reprimand Daniel was soliciting the group’s advice on selecting a lumbar pillow for his living room. I’d post some of it, but I feel like it might be crossing the line in regards to confidentiality. Then again, I’m noticing some ambivalence around extending that courtesy to Daniel. I’ll just post the very end.
Cohort member: Give yourself some space to sit with these ideas. Contemplation and preparation are natural precursors to action. Meditating or journaling might facilitate your pillow reflection. And we are all here to support you in your pillow selection journey.
Daniel Shankin: what i’m hearing is “take acid, browse etsy”
In all sincerity, if this psychedelic integration coaching thing doesn’t work out, maybe Daniel should consider a career in comedy.
This concludes my reminiscence of the Signal chat.
Now I’ll talk a little about the program itself. Writing much about the content would frankly bore me, but if anyone is interested, you’ll get a pretty good sense from Daniel’s reading list. Basically, we’d all meet on zoom every week, do a centering meditation for the benefit of all beings, and then listen to Daniel talk about and demonstrate coaching techniques. Every few weeks there’d be a guest lecturer on subjects like ethics and intake forms. And then we’d practice what we were learning in our small practice groups.
I was mostly having a fine time, but, in retrospect, I think it’s fair to say that Daniel’s training was very much a work in progress, as if me and my cohort mates had all rented a house that was still under construction. I continue to cringe a little when I remember that I gave hardly a second thought to forking over $9,000 for it (up front in full!), especially given that I knew only one cohort had preceded mine. I can’t help but compare it to the Somatic Experiencing Professional Training program in which I am currently a student. The core SE training costs about as much as Daniel’s training (though you’ll need to spend a bit more to fulfill your personal session and case consult requirements), and has been developing for decades. The course design, instructors, support staff, resources, practitioner network, and on and on are lightyears beyond what Daniel could hope to offer in only his second year running a training.
But while I was in it, I wasn’t thinking along these lines. When other cohort members were bugging Daniel for a syllabus and complaining about the lack of structure and organization of the course I thought they were being too square, failing to tune in to Daniel’s genius. “You’ll see,” I told them. “It’s all going to come together at the retreat.”
In hindsight, I was in denial. Meanwhile, the vague sense of discomfort that had bubbled up in the signal group continued to simmer somewhere in the shadows until it burst forth again in mid December. On the 15th of that month someone wrote the following in the Signal chat:
I feel compelled to express the content of the latest video of the meditation and the feedback left me feeling sad, confused, and unsettled. My aim in attending class is to learn and grow, and I believe it’s crucial for all of us to feel safe and assured in our learning environment.
There are so many bright lights and such good hearts in this group. I would appreciate it if we could take a few minutes to discuss and perhaps establish clear rules of engagement to ensure that everyone feels comfortable and secure in the class.
I think it would be helpful to keep all of us in alignment.
The “feedback” this person referred to was from Daniel to a cohort member who’d led the weekly centering meditation. They’d done so in a way that deviated somewhat from Daniel’s format. I had attended that class live and I had felt unsettled as well, though perhaps not as deeply as the person quoted above. It’s not worth going into the details because the story isn’t to be found there. The story is simply that a profound but vague unease had taken hold, leading to this call for a discussion to “perhaps establish clear rules of engagement to ensure that everyone feels comfortable and secure in the class.”
That discussion took place on December 19th. I just remember being confused and not saying a word. Somebody said something about racism in the chat. No idea whatsoever what that was in reference to. After that class someone reached out to me directly:
Them: I wanted to send you a hug. Not sure…I could be wrong but it just looked like you might need one. Thank you for sharing all you do with your journeys. Your music and insight, you are valued 🥰
Me: wait am i the racist?
Them: Omg. I am pretty sure NOT. I still have no idea of what the conversation was all about on signal. I believe whoever the person was, left the class. I reached out to you because you were so quiet today 🙂
Me: Nothing to say. Honestly the whole thing seems more toxic now than it did before.
The next day the following exchange took place in the group chat.
Me: “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.” – Besel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score
Oh look what popped up in my Readwise review just now. We’ve had our cat Mim for almost four years. A few weeks ago we got a 12 week old kitten named Toro. Mim and Toro have since been in the process of negotiating the quality of their connection. Toro sort of pretends to be safe by approaching and rolling over on his belly, but when Mim turns her back he pounces. Safety is a process that unfolds in relationship largely outside the domain of explicit, rational thought. And it’s always relative rather than absolute. In Somatic Experiencing training they use the phrase “safe enough” to describe the therapeutic container. While personally I feel less safe in this particular container than I did two days ago, I don’t have to make that bad or wrong. It’s perfectly part of the process.
Person 1: I fucking love you Peter. This is such a wonderful and powerful insight.
Person 2: Thank you so much, Peter. I found last night’s discussion harrowing, and I had some shame about how I showed up, but I am also finding some really useful lessons in the experience. I am grateful that there is room for all of our feelings here. That, to me, is a hallmark of a safe enough group. Sending wishes for compassion and peace for all of us.
Person 1: I really like the analogy with the cats. The push and pull until they find the trust balance. Being honest and open with each other will bring us closer together.
Me: Now imagine the process with 27 cats of different ages, experiences and needs.
Jess: Guys, not to shift focus, but I would like to share something.
3 years ago tonight my MDMA sessions were featured on an episode of [TV Show]. The episode itself was filmed over a year prior, and my sessions were in 2018.
The interview itself was so emotional for me. It was the first time I had really spoken to anyone about the sessions outside of my therapists. I talked a lot about how suicidal I was before and how connecting with the spirits who showed up for me saved my life. I talked about how devastating it was to be dismembered and then be remembered as a shaman, and having no idea what to do about that or how to even speak about it because we all laugh at people who say they are shamans. I talked about how it felt to shapeshift into a jaguar and how that shapeshifting returned my power to me. It was such a long interview and I was exhausted by the end and afraid of how she perceived me after that and how anyone who saw the episode would perceive me. I was definitely terrified of being called crazy or laughed at.
When the episode aired I was heartbroken. It was basically a commercial for MAPS, and they conveniently left out all of the painful side effects. Still, I had hope that the right people would see it and that maybe someone would ask me about it and that my story would let others know that the ancestors are with us and turning the world for the benefit of the descendants, which is the message they gave me.
My hope is that we all feel safe enough to share our medicine stories. Not just which medicine we work with, but how that medicine is working with us. I hope we feel safe enough to talk about the painful parts because that’s bringing them into the light, and that’s how we heal.
Thank you guys for being here.
Wow.
Finally, I will now walk you through our negotiations with Daniel’s attorney Allison Hoots Esq.
On March 4th 2023, my attorney (wife) emailed Daniel to follow up on my rejection of his deferral offer:
Good evening, Mr. Shankin:
I am following up on Peter Larney’s behalf regarding the email below.
In light of your request that he withdraw from the current Psychedelic Integration Coaching Training Program on February 29, 2024 and the absence of his continued interest in completing the same, please advise when he can expect a refund of his registration payment, which was remitted on June 14, 2023 via Square amount of $9,000.00 directed to Align and Flow, LLC.
On March 18th Hoots swooped into our lives. Daniel was offering me $4,500 in exchange for a release of any further claims AND a confidentiality and non-disparagement agreement. I found the number insulting. As I said to a friend of mine in explanation “you don’t get to abuse me and then buy my silence with half the money you took with the promise of training me. It’s perverse.”
My attorney (wife) started drafting a lawsuit. While she was writing and researching, Allison sent a followup email on April 11th. She wrote:
My client is eager to find an appropriate resolution for your client in particular. While he did breach the Retreat Agreement and community
guidelines for the course and the rules provided about the retreat, my client also understands that this was a complex dispute between the students in the class and feels that a refund that will be higher than
others offered would be appropriate.
If you are interested, here are copies of the retreat agreement and the community guidelines that she references.
On April 26th, we sent Allison this draft complaint and cover letter, asking for $12,000.
On July 15th, Hoots responded. Here is the letter:
And here is the affidavit she references with names redacted:
It’s hard to know what to say about all this. On the one hand, I just want it to speak for itself. On the other hand, I know people aren’t going to read all this stuff and I feel like I owe you a few noteworthy points. So here ya go.
One thing that gets under my skin is the lies. Erica Siegal wrote an affidavit based on what Jess and I, the only witnesses to what happened, told her. Erica’s account of the incident itself is broadly consistent with what I have shared here. But, quite oddly, Allison’s account of the poem incident in the July 15th letter contradicts that affidavit with, well, lies. She wrote:
Despite your client’s clear knowledge of the above, your client requested that Jess go to a private location with him alone, asked to sit close to Jess, and then read a poem that repeated “Fuck you” three times while in contact with Jess’s body. This action by your client was unsolicited and considered threatening by Jess and multiple other participants in the Program.
Lies in bold. I did not have knowledge of Jess’s trauma history; I did not ask her to go anywhere; I did not ask to be alone with her; and I did not ask to sit close to her. As Erica’s affidavit attests, I actually offered to give her more space or to leave her alone entirely. And “unsolicited” is quite a stretch, given that my poem arose naturally in the course of our conversation following Jess’s (unsolicited?) reading of my birth chart.
The other thing that really rankles is that Daniel and his lawyer just want Jess to be “a sexual assault survivor” as though that’s the most important aspect of who she was in that situation. Never mind that she was my peer in a psychedelic integration coaching training, and we were discussing psychedelic integration. Never mind that back on December 20th she’d written in the group chat:
“My hope is that we all feel safe enough to share our medicine stories. Not just which medicine we work with, but how that medicine is working with us. I hope we feel safe enough to talk about the painful parts because that’s bringing them into the light, and that’s how we heal.”
Forget all the context. I’d used the word “fuck” at the wrong moment, in a threatening act of hate speech and harassment, and Daniel’s offer of a deferral or any money back at all was pure compassion in light of my reckless and harmful conduct. If Daniel wants to keep my money that badly, he can have it. I’ll keep my voice, thank you very much.
Sometimes I still imagine that all this is part of Daniel’s brilliant, unorthodox master plan. That it’s all some kind of test or complex coaching lesson, and, when the program ends next week, the whole cohort will show up at my door, we’ll all have a good laugh and pin our Tam Certified Coach badges on each other. Who knows? Not me. But if reality is as it appears…I feel integrated.
Thanks for reading 🙏🏻❤️